So much potential

I am having incredible difficulty feeling secure in my words, in myself, in almost everything right now. This has happened more and more since Christmas. I am in the midst of my work and feel the pressure of the time constraints to get the thoughts out and to have my words be as accurate to my thoughts as possible. And it's not happening as I would like it to happen. I want to keep reading, to verify my ideas, to substantiate things, to explore more...but there isn't time for that because I have a deadline. And I would work more, but my body will not. My brain will not take in more information. It's like the data capacity is full for this hard drive; it's a zero sum game and I need to just let go a bit and use what I have.

I know I am putting lots of pressure on myself and that negotiating that is part of this journey, but it's really difficult. I am overwhelmed and need to relax, but I don't let go enough to be rejuvenated by the rest time. And then I try to get back to work and I still haven't found the words or the frame for my argument. I know it's all there, waiting to be realized...but I can't get it out.

Last night I wrote just so I could feel like I was constructive and productive, but I don't think I will use much of it. Ultimately, I copied quotes I think I will use from my notes onto the computer. It helped a little bit, but I have so much more work to do. This is one of the most frustrating parts of a research-based position: I can't force my brain to make the connections on a time-frame.

So I am trying to be nice to myself, to give my mind and body the space, the privacy, the low-stimulation it needs. But I know I will have to get to the work sooner rather than later.