Fears and Frustrations

I spent most of today feeling like a completely unintelligible freak (and not "freak" in a good way). I have been wrestling with Foucault and this assignment (which I have decided was completely irresponsible of the teacher to assign) and when I try to discuss these issues with my classmates I get blank looks or answers that indicate I have not been heard/understood accurately which leads me to believe that I am not articulating myself clearly.

I started to wonder if this wasn't the right place for me. Not doubting my place in graduate school, but in this program. I feel my teacher assigned a reading that is disrespectful of me and my commitment to my education and this makes me question the entire program and whether or not a taught course is appropriate at this time; perhaps I am beyond it already and the hoop-jumping will only become more frustrating. (When I said that I am questioning my place Gabriella said, 'Will you stop? Please. Just stop.")

You are probably wondering about the reading. The assignment for this week in my Strategies and Analysis class is Postcolonialism. We were assigned three texts with each person being lumped into a group for more intense assessment of one of the readings. I opted to emphasize a piece by Gayatri C. Spivak entitled 'Can the Subaltern Speak?' After hearing from classmates that it was an intense reading, I began with one of the other readings that goes through the evolution leading to colonial discourse and into postcolonialism. This seemed a good idea before jumping into the aforementioned essay that is a deconstruction of postcolonialism. Well, I got through fifty pages (out of 100) on the evolution of the discourse and decided I should move onto the essay. The essay, however, is a deconstruction of a specific interview between Michel Foucault and Gilles Deleuze. So I found that interview which I began reading this afternoon/evening in order to then read the deconstruction of it.

I am now in this cycle of endless source references and accumulation of knowledge and feeling really worked up about the content, but also the circumstances/situation. It's all become very loaded. The disrespect comes in when I see that my teacher assigned this essay that requires significant research to contextualize responsibly without, seemingly, understanding the importance of reading the other materials for a proper understanding. It's difficult enough to do the three readings, let alone all the background research to understand and contextualize the work.

I am in a program that is supposed to help me prepare for making a contribution to written discourse. How insulting to have a teacher seemingly disrespect another person's writing by not considering what information is necessary to appreciate or understand the writing. I cannot in good conscience skim through a work that is built upon so many layers of understanding and questioning power structures and how we know what we know; that seems counter to the very theories and practices I am studying.

None of my classmates seem to comprehend this. Gabriella said that she understands me. But it's not the same when I have peers in my classes with whom I am supposedly going to discuss these readings and ideas. It's further complicated by the fact that everyone in my course comes from a different background and knowledge base. I happen to have studied lots of these theories before, or at least contemplated their existence. And I know I really enjoy the deep, philosophical debates on the nuances of linguistic signifiers and other details of intent. But it's really disheartening to realize that, once again, my peers are not challenging me as I would like.

Thankfully, though, I have my circle of PhD friends who continue to surprise me with their humility, with their humor, and with their vision. Hopefully that will be enough to keep me going. As it is, I am considering not talking in class anymore because no one seems to understand what I am saying. I might just make notes and save my thoughts for someone who is willing and interested in an open exchange of ideas. Maybe I will be less frustrated if I try to understand their observations and keep mine to myself (especially when they don't seem to be helpful to anyone else).